Naaah...I don't want to die !

It is often said that a near-death experience is more often than not a life altering experience – something that makes you want to start living life to the fullest. For me, that life altering experience has come in the form of love, the joy of togetherness with him.

If I start talking about how falling in love with him completely transformed me into a different person, I can go on and on and on. So, for the moment, I just want to say one thing to him – "Thank you my guardian angel ! Every moment when I sense you watching over me, I feel blessed and that makes me fall in love with life all over again……This might come as a cliché right from a Mills and Boon; but I have to repeat it because I have felt it very strongly – I do not want to die because your love makes me want to live and live every moment like no one ever lived ! “

'None of These'

And here I return to my Oasis again ! And why? The simplest reasons in the world could be - 'I am really confused, yet again' or 'I am really sad, yet again' or 'I am really excited, yet again'. But , strangely and interestingly, I am 'None of these' right now !!

In the multiple choice questions that life throws at us, 'None of these' is not an easy option to tick ; simply because it poses further questions that intrigue you more and reveal nothing. To me, this option leads to only two roads right now - an inertia in the midst of chaos OR a chaos in the midst of inertia - either ways, I feel devoid of emotions. I am wondering if too many positive emotions are cancelling out the effect of too many negative ones? Or is it really that none exist? There exists one moment when I want to laugh out aloud and there is another when I want to cry bitterly. One moment when I badly want to be surrounded by people and another when I want to just turn my face away from everyone. One moment when I want to trust everyone and another one when I just want to be holed up in my own sense of being !

And hence, I would duck this question right now because the answer 'None of these' is painful .....because it leads me to a land called 'nowhere'.

A wailing weed ?

A restless slumber followed by incessant wails - the sun has shone just outside the window this morning ! Inside it's a 'deep dark abyss' !!
With family in high spirits, the closest friends around , a city so beautiful , the weather so pleasant, an abode so comforting - everything seems to be 'in place'.
And I cannot locate the source of these abundantly flowing tears.
What is it? What is the sadness that has engulfed me?
Why do I feel like a weed - so insignificant?

 

"Waltz-n-Whoosh"

Somehow I always found it the most unrestrained form of expression ; ABSOLUTE too.
When the spirit-dampener was sprayed on me, I could  "dance it off".
When the train of sentiments had to spurt, I would  "dance it out".
When the stream of exhilaration gazed at the yonder mounts for a speedy gush, I presented it with a "dancing waterfall".
 It was free...It was passionate....It was delightful too.
 Years later, I have a desire to be that dancing flame yet again -  Strong and wilful and wishful and so freely "dancing".
I wanna Waltz-n-Whoosh !!

PS : On a second thought, this desire probably has its origin in the
same strange reason that ignites the appetite even more 
when we're fasting;
I can barely walk these days, with an injured leg :-P
 

And...HE Lives On......

A frail old man, abound in misery and wretchedness; that’s the caricature I would have drawn of you if I hadn’t known you as closely as I did. This world will always remember you as a “speck in the cosmos” in all probability. Or perhaps, you will not be remembered at all after a few years from now. After all, you weren’t a mighty warrior or a great poet as long as you lived. Neither were you a famous discoverer nor a founder of some school of thought. You weren’t even someone who philanthropically donated billions in charity. Not even a penny, did you?

But you were special – very special because you were “a frail old man, abound in misery and wretchedness” who not only knew how to live in it, but also to outlive it ; to be a part of it and still be unruffled by it. You never demanded a bit more than what was offered to you and it never bothered you. You did not spend long hours in peaceful meditation trying to find the answers of life but you were unperturbed by any question that life threw at your face. You performed all your duties like a holy prayer– in an honest and dedicated manner. I cannot recollect a moment when you spoke in a high-pitched voice , not even in any extreme circumstance. Even when all those who, you had given your life to, left you and embraced the rest, you did not complain. You did not even curse the goddess of health when she withdrew her succour and sucked it all out of your mortal figure. You had only simple ground rules – DO what you are supposed to do and LOVE all. That summarized all the complexities and mysteries in the world for you.

You were a sweet heart forever and indeed more GRAND than THE FATHER himself , my dearest grandpa.

And everytime I realize that you aren’t around me, I sense a phantom limb pain.
I am not sure if people retain their eyes and ears long after they are dead, but if you are around watching me or listening to me, just hear this – You will be loved as long as I live. All that you lived for, will be preserved in essence and in spirit until I breathe.

O papaji ! You will live on !

~SINGING THE “SEPTEMBER” SONG ~

Never have I attached such importance to a particular month, but as I savour these “delightful nuggets” that this month offered me in bits and chunks and pieces over a time, I feel nothing less than blessed. These gems have stealthily linked up to me and adorn my life today.

Or is it just so?

If I believe in the part of my brain that pumps wisdom into my head, I have to confess that they aren’t just ornaments; they are an embodiment of a shapeless me. And if I believe in the part of my heart that infuses emotional juices into me, I shall be marvelled at the harmonious fashion in which my brain and heart function.

As I experience the joys of being surrounded by souls that emanate nothing but love, I can do nothing but thank the creation.

More so, How can I not thank the month that spawned the existence of all that mantles my identity - my creator, my mentor, my raison d’ etre and my really wonderful friends? How can I not thank it for these clear blue skies interspersed by pearl white clouds and those occasional showers in which we all dance together? How can I not thank it for a life that’s nothing less a melody .

THANKYOU SEPTEMBER !!! J

Rejected, Dejected.....And Resurrected !!

A failure surely pricks you; but when it morphs into rejection, it pierces through the mind and you stand testimony to your own annihilation.

These golden words marked in bold might not hold true for anyone ever born on this planet, but I blare them aloud in as superlative a degree as I experienced them. A failure in any other form had always been acceptable to me – It just meant I was not good enough or my efforts towards a goal were not earnest enough. It was always easier to absorb the fact because what I saw in front of my eyes was a direct consequence of my actions. But, being rejected, in my case, meant being marred as “not good enough” by someone else.

I felt nothing less than a pitcher – neatly moulded and crafted by its creator – meant to hold elixir, but instead filled with venom by a spiteful man who deemed it as ‘not worthy of ‘ what it rightfully deserved.

I myself dismiss all these thoughts and assumptions as mere conjectures; I have the strength now. But, poor me! I was a mere weakling then. In one shot, I was uprooted from my earth – the grains of self assurance that held my whole together whenever anything or anyone questioned my abilities, EVER. I disembarked the ship that always sailed on silent waters. I was restless.

The days progressed (as in any other story ;-)) and I slipped into the deeper hollows of dejection. There was no end for I was no heroine of ‘Alice in Wonderland’. But, I am sure now that they do not tell a lie when they say that “Time is the best healer”. It is only with the ticking of the clock that the mystery of what lies ahead unfolds and all the fears that are associated with “what next” are alleviated. Every event that forms the past or the present is nothing but a harbinger of a fast approaching future. It is a simple fact that, again, I managed to learn only with time.

“I am and I shall be what I am meant to be” – the ears resounded with this voice of the inner self, louder than ever. Nothing except the act that I pull out of ‘my present’ will decide what course my life shall take. There is only one thing that shall make the difference – I shall not let my soul be the denizen of a restless self. It deserves peace. I shall not let my lips tilt at an angle that might remind archer of his bow. They deserve smiles. I shall not let my being wilt under the scorching beams of rejection. It deserves the strength of a phoenix – the courage to rise from the ashes.

I cannot deceive myself by assuming that ‘I’ can be defined merely by ‘what I do’. I am more than what I perceive myself to be. And, what dimension ‘I’ shall take – Only TIME will tell.